How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Good morning!
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.