one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing