me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.