Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Bringing home a sharpie
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.