Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?