when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
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PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
when there are deer in the woods
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?