After 35, your body ages in dog years
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Mornin
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.