What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
You Might Also Like
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
kids play hide and seek like
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.