I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
You Might Also Like
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.