MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first