[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
58.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.