We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
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Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.