Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.