boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
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Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks