Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Only short people can save us
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.