I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
S M O L
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.