At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
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It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”