*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
This will never not be funny 😭
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”