I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
You Might Also Like
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”