boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
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CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
TODAY
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭