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the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏