amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
You Might Also Like
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.