Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
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🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.