[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
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At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
hmm conte-me mais
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food