First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
You Might Also Like
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself