Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Golf would be better with landmines.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
No laws when master is gone
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
all that yoga finally paid off
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic