“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another