Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?