If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
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Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.