Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.