Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
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I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body