My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
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Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE