My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows