Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
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wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician