“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
went fishing caught a bass
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug