Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.