[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.