Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Not today, today.
Not today.
This is always good for a laugh.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?