Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Hot Panini is in big trouble
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.