If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
☠️☠️☠️
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.