For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE