2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Still my favourite meme.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
notice
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.