“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?