*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
no
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I love it all
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch