I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
yeah 😭
Challenge accepted.
Come back with a warrant
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Sunday
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.