if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
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[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
britain’s three elite institutions
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.