Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.