I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
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DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
lol
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.