My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.