[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there